I’ll Remember You

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Mother’s Day is a raw and painful day for many women. It was that way for me during 2012, 2013, and 2014. Those were our years of infertility. I’ve written previously (here) about our journey, so I won’t get into details.

I know the agonizing, all-consuming process of waiting for a child. I understand the emotional ups and downs, the hopes and dashed hopes, the doctors visits, the testing, the lab visits, the unanswered questions, the countless negative pregnancy tests, and the nagging question, “will I ever be a mother?”

Becoming a mother was a life-long dream for me. I never even considered that it might be hard to come by. It seemed so natural and easy. So many people I knew got pregnant on “accident.” We were far from fitting into that group. In every occupied and unoccupied moment I was dreaming about the day I would bring a child into the world. But as time went on, that possibility seemed less and less viable.

I dreaded Mother’s Day for three years. It was an excruciating reminder of unmet dreams and desires. Like a sucker-punch to the gut. I would cry and cry. I felt alone even though I knew I wasn’t. Time went by. Friends and acquaintances kept growing their families, scared to tell me when they had news of another pregnancy. I hated being that one who couldn’t experience what every women should, right?

Fast forward. This weekend, I will celebrate my second Mother’s Day. Last year, I was 38 weeks pregnant and enjoying being mama to the little, squirmy girl inside of me. This year, I’ll be celebrating with my spunky, almost one-year old. My miracle baby made me a mother and I can’t even begin to express my joy.

But while I’m celebrating, please don’t think I’ve forgotten you. Mother’s Day is still a bit heavy for me because I remember the pain. You are on my mind. You’re the mom I want to celebrate. The mom who is waiting. The mom who is consumed and confused and trying and whose heart is breaking. I understand. Many understand. I pray for you. I’ll remember you.

I make it a point to pray for women who are struggling with infertility. Please reach out if I can do the same for you or help in any other way!

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